Your Horoscope for Today

"I don't believe in astrology because I'm a Scorpio and I'm supposed to be skeptical and factual."
-Reverend Ryan (Yes, sarcasm)


Upon request, I hope to do a few future posts on topics related to astrology. As an intro, I would like to provide all of you with your daily horoscope, courtesy of self-proclaimed expert astrologist Alfred Matthew Yankovic. Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18):

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.

Aries (March 21-April 19):

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

You will never find true happiness- what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.

Leo (July 23-August 22):

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.

Virgo (August 23-September 22):

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent- except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

Libra (September 23-October 22):

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21):

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21):

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them). Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19):

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying. If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again.

I hope that these pieces of insight can help you better plan out your actions. After all, the stars know best!

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